at the opening of the summer i found myself lost in the light of the day. hour. moment.
picking up pieces of myself i thought i had lost somewhere back in the year’s fall & winter. spring time dreams experienced with some summer heat. finding me. it was all me and my body. blocking out memories and hopes of one boy. pushing away whispers and pleas of another.
i wrote about my remedy. questioned the line between sexual liberation and ho shit. exposed my experience(s) with a host of (un)romantic encounters. and i still would argue: when tending to a bruised and battered heart sometimes a good fix is to slip into them fuck-me pumps and/or freakum dress and have some cutie help you out of them ( and if s/he isn’t cute, no worries—god made vodka and darkness, take a shot and hit the lights). summer has been roughly twelve weeks and here i am approaching the final days. a wealth of stories to share and (new) truths about self and world revealed. and for the first seven weeks i met what a few of my closer friends would call an “impressive” amount of boys (others would call it… “skank shit”). and i use the term ‘met’ loosely, as names slip my mind and its pretty safe to say ill never talk to any of those boys again. but it was what it was and it was what i needed. did it cure that bruised and battered heart? no. but it provided perspective and refocused my clarity. that which escaped me fall winter and spring.
i was on some shameless. emotionally dead. satisfying shit. mornings were hard…i was caught up in some thinking. but by noon’s sun i was up and exploring self and world. learning. living. writing. drinking. laughing. fucking. watching. experiencing.
but now here i am. up. late at night. thinking. lost all up in my [head][heart].
for the last four weeks or so i had this thing. bored of the hunt i found myself in a situation with one boy in particular. a stable, “not serious” scenario. a summer fling perhaps. a friend with benefits in a sense. the touch i wanted in the fall winter and spring. but without any of those pesky complications and complexities that fall winter and spring dawned. more than the empty touches of summers opening. and still less than anything either of us had. wanted. or would run away from. for four weeks or so i closed down my summer in a cool breeze. existing with a hint of romance but still maintaining my own. self discovery. reckoning with heartache. and being “free.” me and this boy were cool. and perhaps this is the only time ill write of him. simply because it was just that cool. but im up late. thinking. lost all up in my [head][heart].
today we reached our logical. planned. needed. and partially wanted conclusion. and im pondering. not on the loss. but on the possibility. in twelve days when i make my exit from california for the windy city. ill go exactly how i set out to do when i began this summer experience. clean slate. clear mind. cool heart. and that is the result of largely the last four weeks or so. playing in space of tempted emotion while practicing a swag of calm cool and collected.
perhaps this whole summer has been a state of pretending. but what in my life is not a performance? we’ll see what work chicago brings.